Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
