I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
