I wish I only lived at night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
