you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
