You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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