Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
