This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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