Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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