you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
where are my eyebrows?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
