four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
