LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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