your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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