I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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