having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel like a drive thru vagina
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
