So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
