Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When are your genitals available?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
