she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
