you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
