I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
