Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize