You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I think I sprained my soul last night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
