What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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