My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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