she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
