Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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