Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Everyone says I win the strip club
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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