As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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