i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
