you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
