are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
