I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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