She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
