Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
