you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
