You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
