the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
