Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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