My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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