Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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