This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
