...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
