im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize