we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
