for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
