Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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