i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
