It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
