Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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