I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
