2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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