just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
