ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it wasn't lemon gatorade
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
