I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
