Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
