i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
