Please, let me fuck your mom
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
